Where Are The Gun Nuts?

There are two rules to remember when talking to Texans: don’t mention Custer, and don’t question the right to bear arms. I learned these rules the hard way while working with a bunch of Texans at Hush, when I raised the innocent question: “So, why exactly, do you need guns?”

Big mistake.

When I regained consciousness, I learned that the Texans consider guns an essential part of being a citizen. Only by possessing a gun could a citizen adequately equip himself to repel an invasive or repressive entity. Given America’s history of repelling outside forces, including its own colonial government, this seemed like a well-considered line of reasoning for keeping a gun. Then again, it’s important to recognize that this well-considered line of reasoning was well-considered and reasoned in the late 18th century, an age before you could buy semi-automatic weaponry at the local Wal-Mart.

Fast forward to present day.

In his recent book, Michael Moore wrote a satirical letter to the UN claiming the rightful US government had been overthrown by a junta led by George W. Bush in a mock appeal for immediate intervention by the United Nations. In seriousness, his claim is not without merit. However, if we are to take Moore’s claim seriously for a moment, we have to ask ourselves an important question: where are the gun nuts?

Sorry. Of course, I meant to say “gun enthusiasts”. “Patriots”. “Freedom Fighters”. “‘Soldier of Fortune’ subscribers”. Whatever. You know who I’m talking about. Or rather, who I’m talking to.

That’s right, I’m talking to you, Mr. “loaded-gun-under-the-pillow”. The day is at hand that you’ve feared all along! The US is in the grips of corporate raiders, bent on exploiting Lady Liberty for their own gain. Your own government is a tool of oppression, and now is the time to rise up and overthrow your government!

Oh wait, that’s right. You’ve only got an assortment of small arms, whereas your government has access to nifty gadgets like multi-billion dollar, state-of-the-art fighter planes equipped with air-to-ground missiles. Oh well, no one said the fight would be easy. Good luck! This web page will self destruct in five seconds!