Oh, I’ve Wasted My Life!
I read about Evan Williams (CEO of Pyra Labs, creator of Blogger) making the decision to leave Blogger/Google and move on. It was the most depressing thing I’d ever read.
From Evan’s site:
Six years is a long time. Or a little. Depending. For me, it’s a little under 20% of this life on Earth.
For the math-challenged in my audience: that’s a little over 30. This guy is only a little older than me (and he’s also a Tragically Hip fan). And undoubtedly quite well off after the IPO of Google. And a founder in a company that has played a core role in developing and nurturing a new wave of a democratizing technology that is set to be (if it isn’t already) The Next Big Thing. It’s The Next Big Thing, and he’s already Been There and Done That, made his money and is moving on.
What the hell have I been doing with my time?
Last week, I had coffee with an enthusiastic entrepreneur looking to change the world. He’s twenty-five. He grew up in India, worked in Australia, and, at the age of 21, was the youngest executive at News Corp.
What the hell have I been doing with my time?
Four years ago at FC 2000 I met Max Levchin. He was CTO of a new little startup called PayPal – PayPal was bought by eBay for $1.5 billion in a stock swap.
WHAT THE HELL HAVE I BEEN DOING WITH MY TIME?!?
I spend my days working, making money, paying bills, and trying to learn what I think I need to learn for whatever the future holds. Don’t get me wrong, I like my job and I’m learning a lot – but is it the right stuff? Do I have the Right Stuff? I come home to try to figure out what I want to do, where the opportunities are, and What Matters. Working on something that Matters is of central importance to me. I go to tech events to chat and network, but I’m growing increasingly uncertain that there’s much point if I haven’t figured out what I want to work on. Nothing’s popping out at me. I grow increasingly uncertain.
What have I been doing with my time?
My biggest fear is that somewhere down the road, I’m going to turn around and ask myself this same question and be equally unsatisfied with the answer: Life happens – but is this it? Oh, I’ve wasted my life!
Take stock in what you do have before you compare to other people.
Just a thot, but instead of going to events and chatting and networking why not scribble neat ideas on napkins in pubs (where good ideas tend to gather to be scribbled) and then implement the neat idea to become to the Star; instead of star gazing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s not the point. What have I achieved that’s worthwhile? That matters?
Ok, arguably some of these guys didn’t necessarily do things that matter in the sense that I’m talking about, but they got stuff done nonetheless. More than I’ve done, that’s for sure. It’s depressing. It feels like I’ve been living in slo-o-o-w motion.
It happens at work too, but in other ways. I realize how little I know, that I’m 29, and the length of the road ahead. The more I get into this, the less I feel I know. It’s like a fractal – the closer you look, the more detail there is to examine.
Just having a bad day, I guess. Having less fun than I want to be having. Getting less done than I want. Meh.
Maybe you should move back to BC where all the fun stuff is happening?
Sorry, glib answer. Chalk it up to having a bad day on your part.
Me? I enjoyed the weekend on Bowen, walking on the beach, taking pictures in the garden, etc. This technology stuff is fun and all, but it’s not what actually matters.
And I’ve never written a book or performed on a CD, which last time I checked Evan hasn’t either. So buck up — we’re farther behind than you are 😛
Like many other aspects of American life, the Silicon Valley start-up culture is driven by the myth of the individual.
“Person %NAME% started %COMPANY% back in %YEAR%. Now he’s retiring with %SHITLOAD% dollars.”
Well, good for %NAME%. But unless %COMPANY% was a just a stock market scam, chances are his success was dependent on a lot of other people, not all of whom ended up with %SHITLOAD%.
So, looking at the people you mentioned: Evan Williams, Max Levchin, the unnamed 25-year-old entrepreneur… are you jealous of the money, or the work they’ve been doing? If it’s the money, well, you’ve got an MBA, it’s not too late to be an oil company executive. Silicon Valley isn’t the place to try to get REALLY rich; sure there are lots of $100k+ jobs out here, but if you want the truly obscene loot you have to chase the IPO deals, and those are just lottery tickets.
But if it’s the work, then you’re in luck, because there are plenty of jobs that make a difference out here. If you want to be the CEO, well, we’re back to lottery tickets. But if you want to be a part of an organization that Does Something That Matters, you’re in the right place.
Finally, when evaluating whether what you do matters, separate the reality from the prestige. Internet culture feeds back on itself and overvalues the sexy. Google, Blogger, and PayPal have made the Internet a fun place for people with time on their hands to fuck around. Cryptography changes the world.
P.S. When I say “lottery tickets”, I mean “large amounts of luck are involved”. Every CEO worth talking about had to work hard to get where they are. Similarly, most of the IPO gazillionaires worked hard to get to the point where the IPO opportunity came along. But luck and other elements play a big part too, and that means that beating yourself up for not being in their shoes is of limited value since many of the critical factors are not under your control.
Brendon,
What I suspect you’ve _actually_ written about has a lot more to do with the derivation of and definition of satisfaction than it does anything else. Oh, I might as well toss in the meaning of life to echo the well articulated thoughts of my co-commentors.
High levels of drive and self-criticism are bound to inspire posts like this. As it happens, I suspect you could be the CEO of company XYZ and simply choose to focus on other dominions of failure — like a lack of life balance, meaningful love or philanthropic efficacy.
In short: cradle to grave, we are only ever really on the way.
My 2 Canadian cents.
Perhaps re-consider your goals. Your goals are high-risk — your chances of meeting them are statistically low. Consider that maybe most of the people you mention who you see as successful did not see themselves as failures if they failed to achieve their fame and fortune. Instead they may have seen themselves as successful regardless of the external rewards granted to them.
As an exercise, perhaps profile a bunch of Silicon Valley “failures” and see how they handle their fates. It is a fallacy to think that the best and brightest will always succeed and the worst and the dimmest will always fail.
Wow. An interesting outpouring of comments.
I think Andrew Jones hit it on the money – it’s about satisfaction. I’ve been feeling my way along on the premise that I want to start a tech company at some point – but I don’t feel I’m moving towards it fast enough, that my improvement is measurable enough, or that I’ve even quite figured out what such a company might do that would be useful in a larger sense.
While I’m normally content to try to focus on what I need to do to get there in the long term, it always feels like there’s too much distracting me from this goal. But hey, it’s life, no one could possibly hope to achieve all that stuff in one go at such an early age, right?
And then I see these kinds of people and I think, crap, it is possible! What is preventing me from doing the same? (Agreed Tinka, it’s a total crap shoot).
In short: I suffer from High Expectations – if I’m not moving forward fast enough, I get bored and frustrated. And Andrew doubtlessly right: even if I had similar achievements under my belt already, I’d probably still have the same laments.
There was an interview with Trey Anastasio, the leader of Phish (my personal favourite band) – and he expressed similar concerns. Had anything he had done mattered? Was he doing enough? It was incredible to think that a guy whose band brought happiness to so many people (which is I’d say is something that matters) wasn’t sure he’d done something worthwhile.
Do I need to chill out and relax? Undoubtedly. Will I? Probably not – but hey, that’s just the way I am. I wonder about you guys – do you guys think about this stuff too? I suspect so, it’s just I’m probably the only one crazy enough to post it online. I’d be interested to hear more from other people on their thoughts on the subject.
In the meantime, thanks for all the comments and support guys.
From what I’ve read and know of you, you’re a fountain of ideas. If it really is about starting a company (which really, you know it isn’t), you could just go and start now.
In the end, we all have different priorities. One such priority was, for example, finding somebody you could spend the rest of your life with. It’s way easier to start a company if you didn’t have “distractions” like that.
You get the point, we all accomplish things in our own way. If I wasted a day playing a video game instead of working towards my dream goal, I’m ok with that – it was something I got enjoyment out of.
I’ve never found any value in comparing myself to others. If I’m doing better, more interesting things now than I was doing a year ago, I’m on a good trajectory.
I couldn’t give a flying fark if so-and-so that I met/knew from way-back did x, y, or z did this, that, or some other thing. It has nothing to do with me, necessarily.
You’re responsible for you. Don’t waste time worrying about what you’ve done/accomplished in relation to other people. It’s a downward spiraling process.
Just my .02.
Brendon:
Opportunity knocks softly.
Keep doing your homework – by this stage you need to accept that it pays.
Hi Brendon,
Quote:
“Do I need to chill out and relax? Undoubtedly. Will I? Probably not – but hey, that’s just the way I am. I wonder about you guys – do you guys think about this stuff too?”
My answers in order:
Yes. Possibly if you try. Yes, I do all the time.
I think Jesse offered the best advice here when he/she said “perhaps profile a bunch of Silicon Valley “failures” and see how they handle their fates”
In my opinion. It’s how each of us handle fear and failure that makes all the difference to how successfull we are.
I can’t offer any advice on handling these things better. I too, at 26 years am always comparing my life and success to others, including my friends to the point of depression.
I take my social life as an example. Socially, I couldn’t care less about how I compare to other humans or what others think. And looking at it, I consider myself quite successful socially.
Professionally and finacially, How I compare means the world to me. And I consider myself below average success-wise in this area.
I’m not sure if these two areas relate at all. But the difference in my mindset towards these two areas is alarmingly obvious.
I’m the type of person that hates advice like “think of those less fortunate than yourself(In terms of Education/Career)”, because in my mind, it matters little when I reside in the section of society where success is constantly surveyed and appreciated.
I know very well this attitude is non-productive and a self-creator of stress, and perhaps I will never shake the thoughts no matter how successful I become.
But I also know that my chances of success are seriously effected by this attitude, if not nullified completly. Not to mention the effect it has on people around me.
I seem to have a very similar mindset to you, Brendon. But I am trying to change this more than any other of my qualities, including proffessional skills. As I believe that overcoming this will allow me to focus my goals in a more productive manner, and make me a far better person, if only in my own mind.
Good Luck Buddy. If I discover any amazing tips on achieving this, I’ll let you know.
Aaryn.
Brendon, great post. I struggle with these questions myself. We should chat about this stuff when we grab a beer.
You’re right you have wasted your life. I’ve also wasted my life.
Best we can do is try do something so that we stop wasting our lives, because 5 years ahead seems a long way now, but if we do something NOW then 5 years later at least we can say we really started living life a few years ago. I wasted 6 years at uni with nothing to show for it but a piece of paper. I’m also searching for something worthwhile.