Dinner with Richard Clarke

The Scorpion's GateI had the unique opportunity on Wednesday day to have dinner with Richard Clarke, former counter-terrorism adviser to the past for the past four US presidents and current member of PGP Corporation’s Business Advisory Board. I had thought this was going to be part of a rather large and informal gathering as part of Richard Clarke’s speech at the Commonwealth Club, but instead it turned out to be a small gathering (about two dozen people in total, including PGP creator Phil Zimmermann and famed Silicon Valley marketer Bill Cleary) at Postrio to celebrate Richard’s new book, The Scorpion’s Gate, where everyone got a chance to sit with Richard and chat.

I’d had a recent experience that I thought would provide an interesting topic of discussion with Richard. On our recent vacation in Hawaii, Ashley and I had the unfortunate bad luck to end up sitting down at a table at Benihana stuck between a very nice young military couple at one end of the table, and a Vietnam-veteran Marine and his wife at the other. The Vietnam-vet opened the meal on a bad note (“So, who here is a Republican and who here is a Democrat?”) and just went downhill from there. The vet quickly sniffed out that I was soft on unilateral military action (“Freedom isn’t free!”), but graciously allowed me to have an opinion he didn’t like (“You can say that because guys like this fight to protect your right to free speech”). I thought this was an especially curious opinion to have, especially in light of the fact that the greatest threat to citizens’ rights these days seem to be originating from their fellow citizens and their own government, not terrorists or militant foreign governments.

Richard A. ClarkeI asked Richard how he felt it was possible for the government to diffuse both the external and internal threats to our civil liberties, especially given that the root cause of these threats (non traditional, distributed militant terrorists) that were promoting these behaviors could only be solved on a timeline that outlived any given legislator’s term in office. From his point of view, the only way to effectively combat these threats over the long term was to have lifelong civil servants in government capable of working on initiatives that could diffuse these threats across the boundaries of legislative terms. The unfortunate problem with that solution is, according to Richard, that 50% of the government will soon be eligible to retire and there are fewer university graduates choosing to enter the civil service. This problem is compounded by the fact that most civil servants, especially those working within Washington DC and the surrounding area, are poorly paid. This offers little incentives to graduates to forgo a career in the private sector, and will only prolong these threats.

On a lighter topic, Richard later revealed that he had been somewhat bewildered that people on the street recognized him. He’d been especially amused when a taxi driver in New York had turned to him and asked him, “Aren’t you Richard Clarke?” – the taxi driver was from Equatorial Guinea. I thought this was kind of funny, especially given the increasing prevalence of digital cameras, photo-sharing sites, and other distributed media. The world’s getting smaller – why would Richard Clarke not expect people to recognize him when he’d been on TV repeatedly, as well as at the center of a particular widely publicized condemnation of the government’s failure to prevent 9/11? Who needs to be worried about a centralized Big Brother, when we’re all willing to play Little Brother against each other?

Bravo, Mr. Homer. Bravo.

The Simpsons - The Complete Sixth SeasonPer tradition, Ashley gave me The Simpson’s Complete Fifth and Sixth Season DVDs for our sixth wedding anniversary. Does she know me, or does she know me?

Imagine my shock and horror when I opened the sixth season DVD, only to find the box shaped like Homer’s head instead of a regularly-shaped box. A regularly-shaped box that would, naturally, be suitable for stacking under the coffee table (or, should the urge strike me, using to build a tiny little fort).

Apparently, I’m not the only person in the world that’s anal-retentive enough to want all of the DVDs to come in the same form factor – inside the box, I found the following instructions:

For all those that fear change…

For all those anal retentive nerds who like their DVD boxes to line up perfectly on the shelf…

For all those who dislike storing their digital media inside a hollowed-out human head, have we got a deal for you: Just call 1-800-223-2369 for a very derivative, old-style, just-like-before box with almost nothing new or creative to annoy or terrify you. Enjoy!

The really sad part? Anal retentive nerds are the core demographic for The Simpsons! How the hell could they not expect a non-threatening throng of nerds to rush the studio gates and demand redress? The recovery, however, almost makes me think they just did it to yank their customers’ chains. I mean, just listen to Homer’s message at the customer service phone number (that number again: 1-800-223-2369):

Welcome, disgruntled consumers! You have reached The Simpsons’ Season Six replacement box hoax…uh, I mean number. Don’t worry, this is not a hoax…or is it?

No, it is not!

Most likely.

Anyway, for more details on how you can receive an old boring style box, totally free of charge…except for stupid shipping and handling…I hate handling…just buy a computer and go to www.simpsonsbox.com. The web site will tell you exactly what to do to take advantage of this hoax. Ohhh, why do I keep saying that?

Or do I?

Actually, I think the box you already have is totally cool. But what do I know? I mean, you’re the customer, so I guess you know best. Oh, let’s not get into this.

If you still need help, stay on the line. If you don’t, then stop calling here, this is my home.

Love you!

Heck, the website even stipulates that you’ll need to provide a “solemn promise to stop your whining” in addition to proof of purchase to get a replacement box. It’s clever.

Almost too clever.

Bravo, Mr. Homer. Bravo.