The secret to most professions is knowing the language, or so they say. Sure enough, the business language is slowly creeping into my brain like Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, and my typically geeky vocabulary is slowly being replaced with BusinessSpeak. Value Chain. Net Present Value. Key Success Factors. Hell, I even used the word “synergy” the other day without so much as cracking a mischievous grin. The business world has gotten a hold of one of my legs and is slowly slurping its way up my body. Eep.
It’s insidious, and what’s worse is I’m starting to suspect it might be an intentional part of the program. Business terminology? I was just going to wear a tie and collect a six-figure check before retiring on the backs of my employees’ pension fund. Nobody told I had to speak like them, too! That wasn’t part of the deal!
And language is only the first step. Soon, you start to think like them.
Every week, we analyze a business case in a vain attempt to cram our views on a particular business’ woes into 600 words, an exercise that really improves your ability to focus blindly on numbers and the blatantly obvious. It’s amazing how quickly you forget to suggest simple things like, “Hey, maybe we should ask the guys who actually run the manufacturing plant for input.” No time for that, just look at the numbers! They must prove everything!
I swear, my hair is getting pointier by the day.