Somewhere between the ads for summer blockbuster movies like The Manchurian Candidate and debates on the legality of fictional presidential assassinations, I forgot something: my real reason for being in the States. Yes, I know, it’s shocking! I admit it – I have an ulterior motive, a hidden agenda, if you will, for my current habitation of the United States. I am a secret agent, a warrior on the front lines of Canada’s covert bid for world domination.
My status as an agent of the revolution had lain dormant in my brain recently, its priority lurking somewhere above “keep breathing, for God’s sake, just keep breathing” but marginally below “you really could go for a bacon sandwich right about now”. Then it hit me: mmm…I really could go for a bacon sandwich right about now. And as I perused the back of the package of Safeway Select Bacon while Ashley made breakfast, I was jarred from my status as a sleeper agent for the puck-slapping, syrup-sucking empire by the package’s undoubtedly malevolent hypnotic message:
Canadians have long been respected for their unique institutions – the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (they always get their man), hockey (most of the great players are from Canada), maple syrup (experts acknowledge it’s the best in the world) and bacon.
Mounties? Hockey? Syrup-flavoured bacon?
With a start, it all came flooding back. Of course! That’s what I was here to do – it was all so obvious! And yet I’d missed all the signs. Comrade Shatner had obviously been attempting to contact me, encoding his message in a rehash of a Pulp song so horrid, I’m amazed no one uncovered its true meaning. It must have been urgent – the last time such a dire message was sent, Shatner had to butcher a Beatles classic. It was not pretty (then again, it was nowhere near as weird as what Spock has been up to recently).
With my mental fog lifted, I reviewed the plans to convert Americans to our ways. Flooding the American market with cheap drugs to illustrate the value of socialized healthcare? Check. Brainwashing the masses with imported Canadian rock stars, actors, and subversive films, each conveying subliminal pro-Canada messages? Check, check and check.
Now, where was I? Oh, yes, that’s right – message received Comrade Shatner! I am proceeding to Stage Two: defeating the entire US military in a bloodless coup. Brendon to base, Brendon to base…prepare to deploy Anne Murray…
It would appear, according to the 
