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November 21, 2003April 21, 2012 by Brendon J. Wilson

Craptacular, Craptacular!

The wicked witch of Halloween’s corpse had hardly shed a degree of body temperature before stores started hawking Christmas goodies this year, much to my chagrin. I know Christmas is the season where retailers really make their money for the year, but the way things are going these days, I’m expecting next year’s Christmas hysteria will start in June. What’s worse, consumer product manufacturers are really struggling to identify new markets for consumers and coming up with some truly crap gift ideas.

For example, consider this value proposition: it’s Christmas and you’re away from home, working hard at a customer site. Why not bring a little Christmas cheer into your life with a USB LED Christmas light? Are they insane? I swear, it’s like consumers are desperate to burn their money: “Sure, yearly savings as a percentage of post-tax earnings are in negative territory in the US, but I gots ta get me a glowing fake Christmas tree to plug into my computer!”

Even worse are the gifts people buy other people. I swear, a significant portion of Earth’s natural resources are sitting in a closet somewhere just because someone felt they needed to buy a Remington Shaver for that hairy relative they don’t really like. At the bottom of the barrel-of-consumer-shame is those products that aren’t actually designed to be used. You know the gifts I’m talking about, those gag gifts where the majority of the product’s value is the gag of giving them to someone.

Example: Does anyone really need a Dead Bug Funeral Kit? How about a Hipster Handbook? I mean, if the bug is dead, a dignified burial isn’t going to change anything; and if you’re a hipster, why would you need a manual? Unless, of course, you’re actually trying to be a hipster, in which case you need more than a book to help you.

The moral of this Christmas story is simple: stop shopping big and start thinking big.

in Opinion 4 comments

March 19, 2003April 23, 2012 by Brendon J. Wilson

Where Are The Gun Nuts?

There are two rules to remember when talking to Texans: don’t mention Custer, and don’t question the right to bear arms. I learned these rules the hard way while working with a bunch of Texans at Hush, when I raised the innocent question: “So, why exactly, do you need guns?”

Big mistake.

When I regained consciousness, I learned that the Texans consider guns an essential part of being a citizen. Only by possessing a gun could a citizen adequately equip himself to repel an invasive or repressive entity. Given America’s history of repelling outside forces, including its own colonial government, this seemed like a well-considered line of reasoning for keeping a gun. Then again, it’s important to recognize that this well-considered line of reasoning was well-considered and reasoned in the late 18th century, an age before you could buy semi-automatic weaponry at the local Wal-Mart.

Fast forward to present day.

In his recent book, Michael Moore wrote a satirical letter to the UN claiming the rightful US government had been overthrown by a junta led by George W. Bush in a mock appeal for immediate intervention by the United Nations. In seriousness, his claim is not without merit. However, if we are to take Moore’s claim seriously for a moment, we have to ask ourselves an important question: where are the gun nuts?

Sorry. Of course, I meant to say “gun enthusiasts”. “Patriots”. “Freedom Fighters”. “‘Soldier of Fortune’ subscribers”. Whatever. You know who I’m talking about. Or rather, who I’m talking to.

That’s right, I’m talking to you, Mr. “loaded-gun-under-the-pillow”. The day is at hand that you’ve feared all along! The US is in the grips of corporate raiders, bent on exploiting Lady Liberty for their own gain. Your own government is a tool of oppression, and now is the time to rise up and overthrow your government!

Oh wait, that’s right. You’ve only got an assortment of small arms, whereas your government has access to nifty gadgets like multi-billion dollar, state-of-the-art fighter planes equipped with air-to-ground missiles. Oh well, no one said the fight would be easy. Good luck! This web page will self destruct in five seconds!